I realize no one is reading this. That's okay with me though. Putting it out there for someone to read makes me feel a slight rush. It makes me feel better about how horrible my life has been. The 2 year breach from me was because I fell in love. I'm not back because I fell out of love. I'm back because I need to put my sadness out there. I'm grieving because I love the one thing that has EVER mattered to me. I lost him. They made me give him up. It was him or college. And I need college to get out. I will never forgive them for this. And he'll pro
 
 
My life has officially hit rock bottom. Yep, I'm grounded, my parents and sisters hate me. EVERYTHING SUCKS. I can't even see my boyfriend. 
 
 
Running on practically no sleep, drinking wayy too many Redbulls, and snapping at underclassmen. I have senioritis. But fear not it has been cured today! I just finished my final high school exam:) And I must admit I think I did good. If this test comes back with higher than an 60 then I will officially be part of the graduating class of 2011. I'm exstatic. I'm also dreading leaving this magical world behind. I met my best friends, boyfriend, enemies and mentors in this huge school and I'm saddened to have to leave it behind. I'm going on a short hiatus* so you won't be hearing from me for a bit, But don't worry I will be back!

Lots of Love,
Allyumpkin



*hopefully if I actually get my laptop for graduation:)
 
 
I can't concentrate on anything. Nothing is making me happy except him. I cry myself to sleep every night. I just want a mom or dad to cry to. I know its quite pathetic but I need someone to talk to right now. I'm really depressed and I could tell you exactly why but you can probably figure it out by yourself. I'm sick of feeling stupid and inadequate. I'm so tired of crying and sobbing at night when I know no one can hear me. I'm really hurting and no one is helping. I just want what everyone else has. A parent to love me. I hate my life. I hate it so very mcuh
 
 
Somehow even when I do something right, it is wrong. I can do all the laundry, clean the house, and make dinner and still be the biggest failure in my birthers eyes. I am sick and tired of feeling worthless because of her. I just want to kill myself right now. She doesn't know how to be a mother. Why did she even have me if she knew she wasn't going to be satisfied by a child who is different? Sometimes I wish she would have been on the pill, and never had me. Then I wouldn't even be alive to complain about how bad she treats me and makes me feel. 

Allumpkin Out
 
 
I don't have a mother. I never had a mom. I had a woman who was foolish enough to conceive me and give birth to me. She made the "biggest" mistake of her life by granting me life. I just wish I didn't have to see her everyday of my life. She treats me differently than my siblings. I am of no use to her. I am an orphan. No one loves me. But it is fine. One day someone will love me the way 
 
 
When something's right, then something is worth to die for 
When I feel that something is wrong, then something is worth to fight for 

Don't say goodbye, just leave an open door 
I wanna hear you say, you give me something to die for 







----------------------------------------------------------------

Today I just want to kill myself. Why am I not good enough? Why can't I pass my classes? I mean it isn't very difficult is it? Geeze, you would think I am dumb or something. Goodness I hate my life. He is my only source of enjoyme
 
 
I can bend and not break.  Or I can break and take it with a smile.

Just bend the pieces till they fit, like they were made for this.  But they weren’t made for this.  No, they weren’t made for this.
-Dashboard Confessional



Dear Mom and Dad,
Do you know how it feels to be me? To be set up for failure by my own parents? To know that I will never receive the love and affection that my siblings do? Do you know how it feels? Do you know that I hurt myself when you act like you don't love me? Do you know that I strive to be the best so that maybe you'll notice? Do you know that I am tired of living like this? Do you know that I love you and that I would do anything to make you love me? I bet you don't because if you did maybe my life wouldn't be in the shambles it is. Maybe I could rely on you to comfort me, and to hold me when I'm breaking. Maybe my life would be happier and I would be better. But instead here I am, crying because no ones loves me. Screaming because the pain of it hurts far too much. And wishing that it would be over quickly. What did I do to deserve this? I can honestly say that I didn't mean to do this. I just want what everybody else has. I want to know that at any given moment in my life, there will be at least 2 people who love me unconditionally. But fairy tales don't exist and wishes don't come true. So I guess I will quit holding my breath and waiting around for you.

-

 
 
Today, I realized the people that smile and laugh the most are the ones who are suffering the most.
Because laughter isn't only the best medicine, it's also the best disguise.
I should know, of all people.

I have inflicted so much pain upon myself that I can't take it any longer. Tonight I am hurting like crazy trying to get him to wake up. I need someone right now to lean on. I am afraid to lean on anyone else because he told me not to, and I don't want another fight. But I need someone. I just wish he would wake up and save me. Save me from myself. I have been trying to act like I am getting better but the truth of the matter is that I am not getting better. I am getting worse. I feel like crap 9 out of 10 days. I have been crying myself to sleep every night. It is pathetic. I hate my life and I need an escape right now. But no one is here to rescue me. I guesss its just another sleepless night. 
 
 
My boyfriend has been my boyfriend 3 different times. My parents never knew the first 2 times. I don't know if I will attend college. I have been accepted to at least 5 colleges. I have lived in 3 different houses. I have been assualted. I have siblings whom hate/love me. I own a pet named Ginerva (after Ginny Weasley). I sing when I am happy. I cry too much. I have inflicted harm upon myself, although I did stop. I drink when I get angry. I have cheated on my boyfriends. I have been cheated on. I have hurt people I cared about. I have put myself in questionable positions. I have told the truth. I have lied. I have loved and lossed. I am in love, I think. I want a wedding that is perfect. I want my first time with the guy I marry to be perfect. I want 2 children. A girl named Grace and a boy named Warren. I want a new life. I want to change my name. I want to escape my home. I want to runaway from my parents. I want so much, but have so little. I believe I am bipolar. I am manic depressed. I have seen a shrink. I have broken all the rules. I have changed myself.