I screwed up. I made a decision I regret with my entire being. At least that is how I feel about it today. No one really cares about me anymore. My two best friends haven't spoken to me in ages, my family tries to tolerate me, and then there's the guy who meant the world. He meant everything to me and yet I mean nothing to him. Life just isn't fair. Between giving him my all and getting nothing in return I have decided that my life is worthless. No one would even notice if I dropped
 
 
Sometimes I get so close to you it feels like I'm that little 15 year old you met in class. The girl who got in over her head and couldn't find a way out. I wish I could move on from those defining moments in our relationship. But I'm scared to move on. I'm terrified of accepting what happened to me. I know everyone blames me for it and I just want to die because of all the hurting I'm going through. 
 
 
Nothing is truly what it seems. All truth is actually a lie. No one is a good deed goes unpunished. I am sick of double standards. SICK. I know my parents suck. I get it. After all they are my parents. I'm sorry I can't be perfect and actually have a relationship with my parents. Sorry
 

Hiatus

02/25/2011

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I haven't been blogging lately because life happens. It has been a horrible last few weeks. I thought that everything was getting better but it hasn't gotten any better. I hate my life even more now. I'm  older than before shouldn't I have more to live for? I thought it would be better. I truly believed that someone would make my life better somehow. I'm naive. If life doesn't get better soon, I don't know what I'll do. I'm going out of my mind trying to be perfect and everything people want me to but I can't. I know I am a failure. Okay? No need to rub it in my face. I get it. I was good enough for you, but only for so long. Guess my luck is up. Sorry I wasted yo
 
 
And she never walked on water
Cause no one really saw her
Shame shame shame
That our homecoming queen
Had a lot to prove and so many to please
She's just somebody's daughter
Just looking for somebody to love her
She's just somebody's daughter
Just looking for somebody to love her



Dear Mom and Dad,
Yeah I am well aware that I suck at life. But at least I am trying. I am challenging myself at school. And maybe my grades aren't up to YOUR standards but they are up to mine. I have never believed in myself  because you are always bringing me down. Maybe I can't be a genius, but I am always going to be your daughter. So maybe you should support me.
 
 
Sometimes I get my head in a dizzy
Feeling so lost, ticking you off
Now boy, you know me well
Said, I'm that kind of feeling
That kind of soft, that kind of silly
But when I'm in doubt, I open my mouth


I don't really know how to act around you after last night.  I wish I could take it all back because I know that what you want. I can't erase the past. I can't rewrite our history. I wish I could but I'm fading fast. I'm trying hardest to be what you want and it's killing me. To se
 

Push

12/28/2010

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She said I don't know if I've ever been good enough 
I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in 
And I don't know if I've ever been really loved 
By a hand that's touched me, well I feel like something's 
Gonna give 
And I'm a little bit angry, well 

This ain't over, no not here, not while I still need you 
Around 
You don't owe me, we might change 
Yeah we just might feel good 


I wanna push you around, I will, I will 
I wanna push you down, I will, I will 
I wanna take you for granted, I wanna take you for granted 
I will 

She said I don't know why you ever would lie to me 
Like I'm a little untrusting when I think that the truth is 
Gonna hurt ya 
And I don't know why you couldn't just stay with me 
You couldn't stand to be near me 
When my face don't seem to want to shine 
Cuz it's a little bit dirty well 

Don't just stand there, say nice things to me 
I've been cheated I've been wronged, and you 
You don't know me, I can't change 
I won't do anything at all 



Finally I feel like I am worth something.  I can't believe that happened. I still feel like I am falling to pieces.  And I need you to be here.
 
 
Keep your hands to yourself, these lips belong to someone else
And you know that you will never get on it
Keep your lies to yourself, every lie you heard from someone else
And you know that you will never get with it

Well, I sussed you good, you knew I would
Oh haven't you heard you're just a mark on my shirt?
Another night and another girl
Well, I taste so good, you knew I would

So who's keeping score on who is a whore?
With you by my side, that look in your eye
I hope you don't

Go home and wash your jeans 'cause there's dirt on the knees
Your jealously doesn't sit with me
You love, I love you too, below the waist I'll start charging you
'Cause that's just how the players play the game
My winning streak is missing




I am legitimately freaked out. If you love someone should sex mean more or less? To me it means way less than just holding hands or a simple kiss. I love him too much to risk our relationship for sexual pleasure. Does that make me a prude? Who honestly cares? I don't. I am scared that it would ruin us and make us rely on it. I don't want to ever lose him.
--Save It For The Bedroom-You Me At Six--
 
 
She says I’ve got the best beating heart in the world
And it makes her want to twirl around until she hit’s the ground

I swear together we’ve been here before
But we never looked away
Two seats inside an empty room 
(My chance to get along with you)
With one more night what’s left to lose

She says I’ve got the best beating heart in the world
And it makes her want to twirl around until she hit’s the ground 

We lay with not a word to say
Alone we’ll wait ‘til something’s wrong
With faces pressed against the wall 
(Our hands are bracing for the fall)
Lets show the world what we are about, without a fall


I think I'm falling. Falling into a pit of despair. I keep spinning out of control and no one can help me or stop me. I am constantly falling and fighting for sanity. It hurts to know that I am this fucked up little psycho. One minute the world is bright and shining and then the next moment the world has nothing more to offer me. I hate that I am this messed up but I can't do anything about it. I am trapped in this life that no one would wish on their worst enemy. 
 
 
Pretty girl, it's your show, let it go, when you're alone
Lips sealed tight, don't say goodnight
It's no debate, when I think of you can't stay on track
Cause I can't wait, can't stay on track can't hide the fact
You're all I want, you're all I need, let's get this party started, kick it hard just you and me
There's a party in your bedroom all night long


 

Maybe not your bedroom but you get the point right? Not really. I’m not that kind of girl quite honestly. If I was then maybe my boyfriend would lay off.  I’m confused about taking the next step. I feel kinda trapped right now. If I don’t do it then maybe I will maintain some self-respect, but I would most likely lose him. If I do it then I will lose all self-respect and I will satisfy him. I just can’t win. I wish I could just be okay with doing anything with anyone. I wish I could be promiscuous and not care. I wish I could be free and fine but I can’t. I get too attached and then I am screwed. No one wants a girl who can stay unattached. No one.



--Party In Your Bedroom-Cash Cash--