You're indecisive when it comes to making any plans
you're on the fence
you give me reasons I never seem to understand,
they don't make sense
maybe ain't enough for my heart
we'll see, ain't off to a great start
baby, I want you to be mine,
you better hurry 'cause if I change my mind

You will never know,
what it means, to love me
and you will never know,
what these two lips taste like to kiss
you can just suppose to what my body feels like to hold
hope you can deal with, all you will never know

I wanna know you, what's hiding behind this wall
who you really are
I wanna meet you on the other side of this charade
wherever the cards may fall
I'm ready to give you my heart
yea I'm willing to show up for my part
baby, I want you to be mine,
you better hurry 'cause if I change my mind

You will never know,
what it means, to love me
and you will never know,
what these two lips taste like to kiss
you can just suppose to what my body feels like to hold
hope you can deal with, all you will never know
about me, what I see, what I believe in,
how I breathe, when I weep

I really don't understand how everything is falling apart. I was getting better and now I have gotten worse than I was before I stopped. What the hell is wrong with me?

--All That You Will Never Know-Avril Lavigne--
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?
Don't cha, don't cha?
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was wrong like me?
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me?
Don't cha, don't cha?

:) Last year I wasn't myself. I did things I shouldn't have and I said things I wish I could honestly regret. But I don't. Not one bit of it. I know you aren't supposed to cheat on someone. You're not supposed to be with more than one person. And I know that it's scandalous to be with three. But quite honestly my entire life in scandalous. If you can't handle the constant ups and downs, well you don't deserve to be part of them. The thing about me is that I love many and hate few. Life should be about loving people and lots of them. You are either a lover like me or a hater like she:) Sorry to disappoint anyone but my goal in life is to be the love of everyones lives:* I can't help who I am. But no worries I have only one love of my life. Hopefully you know who you are. And if not well shame on you. You can't help who you love and you can't help who loves you. Try to keep up with me and maybe I will keep you around(:

Love you,
Everytime I close my eyes I see your face
So I try to read
But all I do is lose my place 
Am I obsessed with you?
I do my best not to want you
But I do all the time
I do all the time 
I just had to call you up and say hello
I know it's 3 AM
And I saw you a while ago
 But I still had this aching pain to hear your voice


As we said our goodbyes tonight, I felt something snap inside me. Tonight was a failure, it was a series of misses.  We said all of the wrong things at all of the wrong times. And I know love shouldn't be this hard. It should be simple and lovely. Something beautiful and wonderful. But I haven't felt that in awhile. It feels like you're slipping away. And as much as I want to hold on to you, I can't because I don't want to be clingy. I'm sorry for all of the hurt I have caused you. I do love you but this love isn't helping either one of us. It is my biggest fear that we will break up. I don't want that. All I do want is some reassurance that we are meant to be together and that this past month or so is just a fluke, and that it means absolutely nothing. I love you baby. Forever and Always:*


Am I the reason why you tossed and turned last night? 
Everything's such a blur, it didn't come out right. 
All of the sudden it's cold and we're falling apart. 
No this can't be, please don't leave me alone

And I guess we're really over, so come over, i'm not over it. 
Late night you make me feel like i'm desperate, I'm not desperate. 
Oh, a little bit possessive, little miss obsessive, can't get over it. 

I've never been a fan of long good-byes. 
I'm at the finish line and you're just way too far behind. 
In the morning I got in a fight with myself, I got the bruises to prove it. 
Then I swallowed your words and spit them right back out. 

Tonight I have tried to stay happy but nothing is keeping me happy. I miss him. I need him right now. I don’t know why I need him so bad but I do. And the saddest part is he won’t even realize it until I have already done something stupid. I wish I could forget everything that has happened since I moved here. Because before we moved everything was PERFECT. I was perfect. And life was perfect. But now I am barely stable and nothing can keep me sane. I have come to that realization that nothing will save me in the end. It’s pretty pathetic that I don’t want to live without happiness and that I have already given up. I don’t want to try to be happy. Happiness should come to people it shouldn’t have to be earned. I don’t know why I don’t deserve to be happy. But I haven’t been happy for a long time. The only times I have been truly happy is when I was doing something I shouldn't have. Which is stupid. I’m done with trying to please everyone because no one pleases me. Screw happy cookie cutter lives. Screw trying. I’m a failure. And I don’t give a damn.

I can't stop, don't care if I lose
Baby, you are the weapon I choose
These wounds are self inflicted

I'm going down in flames for you
Baby, you are the weapon I choose
These wounds are self inflicted
One more thing I'm addicted to

With each scar there's a map
That tells a story, what a souvenir of
Young love's like jumping out an airplane
Riding a tidal wave on an ocean of emotion
My heart rips me wide open

This love hurts. I will be the first to admit it. We joke that it's a "bad romance". But the saddest part is it stopped being a joke awhile ago. We are constantly at war it seems. And it's killing me. Why can't we just go on loving one another without an issue? Why can't love ever be enough? You found me scarred and broken and you've repaired me as best as you can but what happens when you are the one to drop me? Who will be around to pick up the pieces next time? I'm scared that no one will ever care like you do. I'm terrified that one day you will have enough. If you plan on going please leave now. Don't drag it out or tell me that you love me. I have inflicted enough pain upon myself for this love. It's fine if its self-inflicted but if you hurt me, I will never be able to forgive you.
But it hurts when you disapprove all along
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
I'm alright
And you can't change me

I know I am far from perfect. Don't kid yourself trying to convince me I am amazing and everything I could ever be. I know I am not and I am perfectly fine with not being perfect! Screw perfection. Imperfection is beautiful. I can't be a bottle blonde with a killer body. All I can be is me.  I'm just me and if people can't just accept me then they can keep it to themselves. I have grown up without people caring about who I am or what I stand for. It sucks but its just life. Don't take life too seriously, because no one makes it out alive.



1 Comment

Anytime you feel like you just can’t hold on
Just hold on to my love and I’ll help you be strong
But you’re so afraid to lose, and baby I can’t reach your heart
I can’t face this world that’s keeping us apart
When I can be the one to show you
Everything you missed before
Just hold on now, cause I could be the one to give you more
Let you know

This isn't a joke. Not some sick prank. Nope this is my life. I wish it were better than this. Something more miraculous but of course those who want never get. I'm so thankful I have him to hold on to. If only I could hold him longer.

Save Me


1 Comment

How did I get here
And what went wrong
Couldn't handle forgiveness
Now I'm far beyond gone

I can hardly remember
The look of my own eyes
How can I love this a life so dishonest
It made me compromise

Tonight is just too much to bare. I don't want to live or love at this time. Why should I waste my time loving people who will never feel the same? I can only rely on one person to keep my secrets. And that one person is the only one who had cared about me at all. He has always heard my silent screams. I don't know why he still cares for the fragmented person that is me but I will hold on for him. He is my only reason for living and he knows.

You said it hurts and you know that I believe you
Searching every little thing to find a way
To tell your heart just to wait a little longer
I swear we'll make it

Right now all the history we have built up between us is slowly crumbling around us. I can't stop the pieces of us from falling. But oh, how I wish I could. Its so lonely being me. Who knows what skeletons I am going to find. I wanted so badly to be yours, but someone wants you for themselves. I feel like my only option is to walk away from this mess we have made. I hate feeling so lost and helpless. I hate it more than I hate to blush. How can one person have so much to hide? And why do you still hide it when I have exposed all the ugliest parts of me to you? Its so unfair. This is not a fair fight.
I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be

I am so alone right now. It's scary how deserted I feel. No direction to go. No one to believe in. I am not going to live such a meaningless life. I want something real. Something worthwhile. Something I can believe in. I guess I won't get it here. but one day I will get it somewhere.