I don’t want to do anything that you or I will regret. But last night you said you did regret something. It hurt like nothing else I have ever been pained by. I gave myself to you. Showed you a side of me that no one has ever seen. And afterward you walked away. Stood up and left like it was nothing. It made me feel cheap and used, like you knew that would happen. You seemed experienced in pretending nothing had happened. Everything changed last night. I felt the shift as soon as you left me at my door. I just wish that you would speak to me about it. This is hurting the both of us and maybe if we spoke about it, we would be better. Tell me what I did wrong. Let me inside your brain. Tell me how you feel. I know you don’t really open up to me but this is important. Even if we end up breaking up, I need to know how you felt or feel. I need you more than you could ever imagine and yesterday meant so much to me. I just hope we can salvage something of this relationship.
I don't know what to think about sex. Should it be saved for marriage or not? Does having premarital sex make you a bad person? These are the thoughts that make me rethink ever having sex. If I have sex I will surely regret it moments later. Maybe I will be dumb enough to believe its okay and then a day later I will have the biggest guilty conscience ever. It sucks to be that way but if I can't be sure someone truly loves me then what makes it okay to have sex or make love with them?
Maybe you have no idea what that stands for but I promise within a few seconds you will know. I am a disaster. Short and sweet was never my game. I have hated my life for so long. But then you came along. The first time you said you loved me you took it back. And days later you dumped me. Ever since I haven't been able to fully trust you. But know I am trying to believe that you really do love me . I think you love me in spite of my being a F.U.L.P. You are unbelievable. Regardless I love you. I have zero regrets about our relationship. And I intend to be with you for the rest of my life. :*
Everyday you wake us up. You fed the "little" one and tell the "big" one you love her. But for me, all you do is leave a list of things I must accomplish. I understand we have chores, but when it is only me who has to do them it aggravates me. Why am I picked on? Why am I treated like a slave or a maid? It is ridiculous bullshit.
Stupid boys will do anything for attention I have discovered. My school is somewhat drama prone and now just as the winter break begins some dumbass boy decides to create a facebook page dedicated to grading the girls at my school. It is humiliating. This guy or group of guys is smart though, they have blocked many of the girls listed so that when they search for the page it is phantom. Why do people resort to handling their affairs in public? I get that some times you may dislike someone but to humiliate them online is not just cruel its against the law. It is cyber-bullying and its slander. So say what you want but when the time comes your bitch ass is going to pay.
Hugs and Kisses,
You say we are so close. You act like you absolutely love me. Its all an act for your friends. You don't want to seem as shallow and rude and bitchy as they are. But in all reality you are just another stuck up, shallow, name-brand wearing, hurtful BITCH. So suck it up that my life is actually working out because I am modest and sweet, and I deserve everything that I have ever been given. You complain that your life is so bad. But you have made this mess, time for you to get on your precious hands and knees and clean the shit up. Maybe if you would take the time to look past the mirror you are constantly staring into, you might see what a normal person is like. Don't think I don't remember how much you have pushed me down. Both literally and figuratively. How many times you have gotten away with hitting me and hurting me. But I am not staying silent. Not anymore. You made me this fucked up little disaster and now you have to live with it. Hope the guilt drives you crazy. You deserve it.
(Note: Cleaning is the act of actually picking up and getting rid of a mess)
Somehow I thought that you would be different. But you're not. Not really. You have kept a good charade going. But I feel like the mask falls off a little more each day. And when it falls I see the real you. I see someone who I don't recognize. Someone I don't want. You said you like it rough? Well I like you silent. If you're silent I don't have to hear the sexual jokes. I don't appreciate the jokes and I don't know how many times I will say to stop before I just get fed up. It might seem funny to you, but there is nothing funny about sex to me. And someone who is so immature doesn't deserve to be my first time. Sorry dear but unless you act your age you aren't getting a single kiss out of this girl.
I am a brutally honest person. I can't help it. I can't help that I see love everywhere I go. And that I find love where it shouldn't be. I love too many and care about too few. People don't realize the difference. But there is a difference and its massive. Just because I love you doesn't necessarily mean I care about you. Its a crazy world we live in and some people just need to get there acts together or leave me the hell alone. I don't need love, but if it works then I will accept it. If its just a waste of my precious time then forget you.
Over and out,
She is supposed to love me regardless. She is supposed to be there for me. Hold my hand when I need to stay strong. Hug me as I cry from heartache. She is supposed to do all these things that she has never done. I have missed out on this lifestyle. I can't help it if I get jealous because others have so much when I don't even have a relationship with her. Is it my fault that I can't be smart? Is it my fault that I am chemically imbalanced? Is this life just not satisfying to her? I wish I could make her proud but I have failed at doing that. All she does care about is the older one or the younger one. It is so unfair but then again life is unfair.
I remember everything about this stupid day in vivid detail. I wore a black and white shirt that was revealing. A black shirt with sequins on the back pockets that was frayed at the too-short hemline. Sometimes I can still feel his hot breath on my face. I was fourteen and he was eighteen. I was small and he was big. He left bruises on me from holding me too tight. He had prying hands. When I tried to knee him in the crotch, he threw me back. I haven't hurt that bad in awhile. I saw stars and then I saw him come towards me again. He just smiled like he knew he would win. I remember having scratches on my sides from finally getting out of his hands. I told one person. And thankfully it wasn't someone who was unreliable. She held my hand and walked me to class. He followed me to class everyday, threatening me. Finally after having my first panic attack in class I told someone else. I filed a report through the school, he got one day of suspension. I filed a report with the cops, he skipped out on court. He told all my friends that I was a whore who had it coming. I hate my past.