Push

12/28/2010

0 Comments

 
She said I don't know if I've ever been good enough 
I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in 
And I don't know if I've ever been really loved 
By a hand that's touched me, well I feel like something's 
Gonna give 
And I'm a little bit angry, well 

This ain't over, no not here, not while I still need you 
Around 
You don't owe me, we might change 
Yeah we just might feel good 


I wanna push you around, I will, I will 
I wanna push you down, I will, I will 
I wanna take you for granted, I wanna take you for granted 
I will 

She said I don't know why you ever would lie to me 
Like I'm a little untrusting when I think that the truth is 
Gonna hurt ya 
And I don't know why you couldn't just stay with me 
You couldn't stand to be near me 
When my face don't seem to want to shine 
Cuz it's a little bit dirty well 

Don't just stand there, say nice things to me 
I've been cheated I've been wronged, and you 
You don't know me, I can't change 
I won't do anything at all 



Finally I feel like I am worth something.  I can't believe that happened. I still feel like I am falling to pieces.  And I need you to be here.
 
 
Keep your hands to yourself, these lips belong to someone else
And you know that you will never get on it
Keep your lies to yourself, every lie you heard from someone else
And you know that you will never get with it

Well, I sussed you good, you knew I would
Oh haven't you heard you're just a mark on my shirt?
Another night and another girl
Well, I taste so good, you knew I would

So who's keeping score on who is a whore?
With you by my side, that look in your eye
I hope you don't

Go home and wash your jeans 'cause there's dirt on the knees
Your jealously doesn't sit with me
You love, I love you too, below the waist I'll start charging you
'Cause that's just how the players play the game
My winning streak is missing




I am legitimately freaked out. If you love someone should sex mean more or less? To me it means way less than just holding hands or a simple kiss. I love him too much to risk our relationship for sexual pleasure. Does that make me a prude? Who honestly cares? I don't. I am scared that it would ruin us and make us rely on it. I don't want to ever lose him.
--Save It For The Bedroom-You Me At Six--
 
 
She says I’ve got the best beating heart in the world
And it makes her want to twirl around until she hit’s the ground

I swear together we’ve been here before
But we never looked away
Two seats inside an empty room 
(My chance to get along with you)
With one more night what’s left to lose

She says I’ve got the best beating heart in the world
And it makes her want to twirl around until she hit’s the ground 

We lay with not a word to say
Alone we’ll wait ‘til something’s wrong
With faces pressed against the wall 
(Our hands are bracing for the fall)
Lets show the world what we are about, without a fall


I think I'm falling. Falling into a pit of despair. I keep spinning out of control and no one can help me or stop me. I am constantly falling and fighting for sanity. It hurts to know that I am this fucked up little psycho. One minute the world is bright and shining and then the next moment the world has nothing more to offer me. I hate that I am this messed up but I can't do anything about it. I am trapped in this life that no one would wish on their worst enemy. 
 
 
Pretty girl, it's your show, let it go, when you're alone
Lips sealed tight, don't say goodnight
It's no debate, when I think of you can't stay on track
Cause I can't wait, can't stay on track can't hide the fact
You're all I want, you're all I need, let's get this party started, kick it hard just you and me
There's a party in your bedroom all night long


 

Maybe not your bedroom but you get the point right? Not really. I’m not that kind of girl quite honestly. If I was then maybe my boyfriend would lay off.  I’m confused about taking the next step. I feel kinda trapped right now. If I don’t do it then maybe I will maintain some self-respect, but I would most likely lose him. If I do it then I will lose all self-respect and I will satisfy him. I just can’t win. I wish I could just be okay with doing anything with anyone. I wish I could be promiscuous and not care. I wish I could be free and fine but I can’t. I get too attached and then I am screwed. No one wants a girl who can stay unattached. No one.



--Party In Your Bedroom-Cash Cash--

 

Be Here

12/21/2010

0 Comments

 
Oh she wants to get in,
and she wants to get out.
And the city, it calls her name.
And the scars that she hides,
with those stars in her eyes,
like the echos they're all the same.

Cause its all been done before,
Yes its all been done before...

And oh, you can let this one go
but when the sun doesn't show
I want you to be here.
And oh, now the stars never shine,
and the streets are all tired,
I want you to be here.

Oh she's sick of this town,
and the rain that falls down,
But her pride just wont let her see.
That when she swears that she's made,
and the heart that won't break,
she's dead but she still believes...



I never wanted to be this hurt. I never dreamed that someone this close to the real me would be the one to hurt me. But that is what happens when you put your trust into someone undeserving. She has hit me. Has made me bleed. Has locked me in closets. Has made me pass out from pain. Has left bruises on me. But she has also covered her tracks. I used to believe that she was all I had. She was my very best friend. But now I know that she is the only thing I never want to become. If I ever lay a hand on my little sister I will kill myself. I am the do no harm type of person. So why is it that people harm me the most? I don't know the answer but I do know that I will never rely on her ever again. He is always there for me. He has loved me from day one. I have lusted after him for 2 years. He has held my hand while I have cried and he has lied and said I looked beautiful without makeup. I love him. Always have and always will. I love him because he will always be here. 
--Be Here-Parachute--
 
 
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight, I'm
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try



My beliefs are just that, mine. Maybe you have different ones but that doesn't mean I have any right to say anything. And I expected the same from you. I believe in God. I pray. I read the bible. Maybe not as much as you but I still do. I can worship him from where I am comfortable and you should respect that. I know I gave religion up 2 years ago, and you should probably know that the only reason I am not atheist anymore is because of you. You gave me something to believe in. You made me feel like I was worth something more. And because of you I gave God a second chance. So maybe instead of pushing me further you should give me breathing room. I have made a lot of changes for you, appreciate that and except that some changes are too drastic for right now in my life. 


--Losing My Religion-R.E.M.--
 
 
Should've kissed you there 
I should've held your face 
I should've watched those eyes 
Instead of run in place 
I should've called you out 
I should've said your name 
I should've turned around 
I should've looked again 
But ohh, 
I'm staring at the mess I made 
I'm staring at the mess I made 
I'm staring at the mess I made 
As you turn, you take your heart and walk away

I'm so frustrated at this point. Why wouldn't I just walk away right now? This isn't healthy anymore. I thought this would be good for us and it's turning out to be more hazardous that helpful. This hurts. I can't stand too much pain anymore. I have waited patiently for everything to get better but now I can't see anything but the bad and it is scaring me.


--The Mess I Made-Parachute--
 
 
Subtle and grace
Desperate for change
My hand moves away
Melt dry eyes for days
Something's not right
Smiles and tantrums
Hit the ground running
It's all over and been done
I wonder when
I wonder I'll find...

I look up to the sun
It only hurts my eyes
Maybe it's the answer
I've been wanting in disguise
The more you are with me
The more that I'm alone
I don't need the answer I already know

What happens next?
We'll stop and go
The promises has already run cold
So now you know
So now you know




It is never the same without you. I don't think you are even vaguely aware of how much you affect me. But its fine. I don't need a knight in shining armor. I am not a damsel in distress. I am perfectly fine without a guy. But having you around makes my life more bearable. I love you but you need to realize that sometimes love isn't enough to save something that is already ruined.




-The Answer-Automatic Loveletter-
 
 
Little Miss Down On Love
Little Miss I Give Up
Little Miss I'll Get Tough
Don't you worry 'bout me anymore

Little Miss Checkered Dress
Little Miss One Big Mess
Little Miss I'll Take Less
When I Always Give So Much More

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
It'll be alright again




Life isn't always the fairy tale we expect. We have big disappointments and little rewards. Lately that has been what my life reflects. My grades were great and then they weren't. I haven't done anything good for anyone lately and this sucks. Life is just on a downward spiral.

--Little Miss-Sugarland--
 
 
I was dreaming you were my Johnny Cash
Never one, we got the other, we made a pact
Sometimes when I miss you, I put those records on, whoa
Someone said you had your tattoo removed
Saw you downtown singing the blues
It's time to face the music, I'm longer your muse

And in another life I would be your girl
We keep all our promises, be us against the world
And in another life, I would make you stay
So I don't have to say you were the one that got away
The one that got away



I don't ever want to drift away. I don't want this love to fade. I am scared to death that I won't be enough to make him stay. If he does leave, I think I will be able to survive. I feel like he is the biggest part of my life but at the same time if I am not enough for him then it is his loss. Hopefully time will tell and I pray I will be wrong.
--The One That Got Away- Katy Perry--